TORBOVISION RETURNS

The Witch Who Came From the Sea (1976) - Matt Cimber

Millie Perkins hates razor blade commercials and football players, but loves castrating football players with razors. Turns out she has some troubling daddy-issues, as her chubby, alcoholic sailor-dad was a cunt. Has some trippy moments and is somewhat less trashy than a lot of the nasties. Worth a look. Possibly.

Cannibal Terror (1981) - Alain Deruelle

A french cannibal film, with some likely Franco involvement. If Franco indeed had something to do with this, at least that would explain why it doesn't make much sense. Franco never cared for such restraints as plot or coherence, Cannibal Terror doesn't care either. I like how the "jungle" in this flick is mostly barren wasteland or fields (the colour green is simply absent in the film) and how the cannibals looks like bored frenchmen. Robbers end up in cannibal country, rape each other and die. Pretty bad.

The Man from Deep River (1972) - Umberto Lenzi

Armed with an endless supply of J&B, Ivan Rassimov heads down river, only to be captured by savages!  It's essentially a remake of A Man Called Horse mixed with elements from the mondo film. The Man from Deep River is supposedly the film that set the standards for Italian cannibal cinema. From the hands of Umberto Lenzi, starring Rassimov and set to an amazingly dreamy soundtrack from Daniele Patucchi. How could this possibly be bad? It is indeed one of the better cannibal films, as it actually has something more to offer than gruesome violence and animal killings. I must admit that i found it quite entertaining to see Rassimov play something other than a menacing giallo-madman, even though he's pretty scrawny-looking in this. Very decent, it's even sort of upbeat at times!

The Ghastly Ones (1968) - Andy Milligan

Andy Milligan's super schlocky costume-horror film The Ghastly Ones, is not really my cup of tea. There's nothing wrong with the pacing or anything - dumb shit happens constantly. Being a Milligan flick it's maddeningly amateurish at every level, and this also makes it somewhat charming. Still, there's something disorienting, almost nauseating about how this thing is shot. The actors and spaces are cramped together in such a way that they are barely contained within the frame and the handheld camera doesn't really help at all. The Ghastly Ones is the definition of dirtcheap pre-SOV horror, but it sort of gets tiring after a while.

Killer Nun (1978) - Giulio Berruti

I've never really managed to get into the whole nunsploitation thing, and flicks like Killer Nun is the reason why. It sports Anita Ekberg as a nun hooked on morphine at a mental asylum, and Ekberg is as boring as ever. She stars along the equally boring non-actor Joe Dallessandro, who's attempt at portraying characters is limited to positioning himself in front of the camera. Some murders are committed, Ekberg is freaking out and we get to see the obligatory lesbian nun-action. Painstakingly dull (but with a very nice closing shot). 

Toxic Zombies (1981) - Charles McCrann

A bunch of EVIL marijuana growers gets sprayed with a secret government pesticide - the result is Toxic Zombies! Raving hippie zombies continue to wreak havoc in a mostly empty forest. This thing feels a lot like Don't Go in the Woods, but with zombies instead of a nutty hobo. It is equally bad, but where the other flick at least was pretty entertaining, this thing is just dull. The director actually tried to put in some political commentary in this, but it's as badly pulled off as the rest of the film and falls flat on its face. Has a few laughable moments, but isn't really worth a look. That cover is awesome though...

Night Warning (1982) - William Asher

A minute into Night Warning I was beginning to brace myself for another utterly dull video nasty, luckily an off the hook car crash got me interested again! I might just be confused from having seen tons of shitty flicks lately, but this was actually pretty decent. The UK title Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker is a much better title for this, I don't even know what a "Night Warning" is supposed to be. Anyways, it's a story involving crazy aunts, rampant homophobia, slimy cops, young love and pickled heads! Pretty good.

Don't Go Near the Park (1981) - Lawrence D. Foldes

I read somewhere that this flick was "mindblowingly bad", that is simply not true. This is as good as it gets when it comes to cannibal vampire-cavemen flicks! Seriously, it's really not that bad. You got to be some sort of weirdo if you don't enjoy a flick that has youngsters getting eaten, cavemen, zombies, magical amulets and dirty rape-hippies. Radical.

I Miss You, Hugs and Kisses (1978) - Murray Markowitz

This is actually a Canadian court procedural retelling a love-drama-murder-case involving Hungarians and models. I sort of like police procedurals and detective stories, but this was a tad too bad for my liking. Not spectacularly bad or anything, just not very good. There's not really anything nasty about this film either, and I was utterly confused as to why this had been banned while watching it. It feels totally out of place when piled together with the other nasties. There is a rape in it, but that's really the only thing prudes can scowl at here. Primarily it's a sad story about a depressed Hungarian who loses his hair.

Unhinged (1982) - Don Gronquist

You know, films like this is what makes me question whether watching all the nasties was a good idea. It's right there at the bottom of the list together with the other almost unwatchable DPP entries. Some chicks on their way to a music festival end up in a car accident, and before you can say "please, kill me" they are being held hostage/murdered by a bunch of weirdos in a mansion. The only good things I can say about Unhinged is: (1) it ends after 80 minutes (it could have been longer!) and (2) it's not as bad as Frozen Scream.

Exposé (1976) - James Kenelm Clarke

Udo Kier plays an author who hires a secretary - thats about it. Lots of ominous strolling around indoors, Udo wearing gloves and the occasional glimpse of nudity. It is absolute tripe. I really feel the pain of the poor Japanese fellows, who got tricked into suffering through Exposé due to the cover above. Only watch this if you're an idiot.

Human Experiments (1979) - Gregory Goodell

After strolling into a crime scene, talentless singer, Rachel is thrown in jail for life. "Human Experiments" is a fine example of how bland American WIP-flicks usually are - especially when compared to their Italian counterparts. I think it might be humanly impossible to care about anything happening in this film. There's a couple of bugs attacking a chick or something at one point, but that's about it. Mind-numblingly boring.

There Was a Little Girl (1981) - Ovidio G. Assonitis

Identical twins, skin diseases, birthdays, deaf kids and a demon-rottweiler! Straight forward slashy horror, that somehow manages to not excel at anything. Despite its mediocrity I sort of liked this, as it has some nice moments and a decent soundtrack by Riz Ortolani. Ortolani's score is very similar to the one he did for "Cannibal Holocaust" though. Also, a dog eats a kid (off-screen) and said dog has an unpleasant run-in with a drill! I'd rather watch Assonitis' bizarre "Stridulum" again before this though.

Women Behind Bars (1975) - Jess Franco

I like Franco for being a perv, but this flick was pretty fucking dull. Some diamonds have been stolen, some dudes are killed and a chick ends up in jail with electrodes in her vagina because of it. It was all according to plan or something though, I wasn't really paying much attention after a while. The cameraman can barely keep the camera aimed towards the faces during dialogue and has a tendency to drift off towards the chest or groin region constantly. Towards the end of the film, one of the characters states that murders were committed, before he poses the question: "but who were the victims?" The answer is of course: "Anyone who bothered sitting through the entirety of this awful film".

Flesh for Frankenstein (1973) - Paul Morrissey

Paul Morrissey's farce-take on the Frankenstein story. It's a joke, I get it, but I don't find the joke as funny as criterion does. Udo Kier and his weirdo servant in this is basically what keeps this thing together. I can imagine "Flesh for Frankenstein" being very entertaining at one of the original 3D cinema screenings, but watching this by yourself is really not very amusing.

Snuff (1976) - Michael Findlay

That this film was supposed to contain an actual murder, is its only selling point. It's a laughably bad attempt at making a film, that is almost cruel in its dullness. The "real" murder is slapped on at the end of a flick about a cult lead by a chap calling himself Satan. While the psych-freakout biker-vibe of it all, is pretty cool in all its amateurish glory, you quickly lose interest. I shouldn't have bothered watching this again, even though some laughs were had due to the dubbing.

The Ninja Mission (1984) - Mats Helge

Those evil russians are at it again, threatening world peace in their attempt to get hold of moron-scientist Markov's secret formula. He has cleverly disguised this formula, whatever it does, as a trashy romance novel using his immense wit. Swedish ninjas sort it out though, with guns making peoples' heads and hearts explode, gas projectors, swords and kalashnikovs. Features a bizarre mix of accents, action sequences where unarmed russians gets murdered and a stunning array of Hemingway impersonators. Still, it somehow manages to be sort of dull at times (damn you, mediocre pacing!). Watch it anyways, it's a Swedish ninja flick, goddamnit!

Dead and Buried (1981) - Gary Sherman

Townsfolk have become mad photographers, murdering people entering their town while taking snapshots of them. "Dead and Buried" is an odd little film, with great special effects. One of the weirder films on the DPP list, but also one of the best. A classic!

The Night of the Bloody Apes (1972) - René Cardona

A Mexican female wrestler/ape-man flick! The son of a surgeon is withering a way from disease, and the only solution seems to be a gorilla heart transplant. The obvious drawback to such a transplant though, is that it turns you into a beefy, monkeyfaced rapekiller. I was a bit surprised to see real open heart surgery-inserts in the midst of all this silliness, as it is utterly out of place and pretty grisly. Entertaining schlock!

The Devil Hunter (1980) - Jess Franco

A bizarre Franco flick where a bugeyed freak is hunting down beauties! There's like several films taking place at once in this thing. It cuts back and forth between models at some beach resort, jungletribes and freaks. It's not particularly nasty (probably banned due to blood on breasts), but it's as chaotic as any Franco film can aspire to be. Filled with junglerapes, murders, Al Cliver strolling around being depressed and amazing dubbing. Even though this is a mess of a film and way too long, there's still laughs to be had. It probably made sense in Franco's head.

The Funhouse (1981) - Tobe Hooper

Some twerps thinks sleeping over at a funhouse is a great idea and ends up dead at the hand of a freak because of it. "The Funhouse" is Tobe Hooper's awkward attempt at making a Frankenstein-movie. The movie opens in a room with posters of the classic Wolfman and Frankenstein, some characters are watching "Bride of Frankenstein" in the beginning, and the monster-equivalent goes around in a Frankenstein mask. The freak in this one also has a father figure like the original, he also kills by mistake and is misunderstood - the list goes on. The references and similarities are endless, but the flick is pretty shitty anyways. A moron academic would probably love this to be bits. Mediocre.

The Burning (1981) - Tony Maylam

"The Burning" has everything you've come to expect from a slasher - nubile teens and a deformed maniac with a pair of garden shears. Textbook slasher really, but I found this a lot of fun even though it was the second time around watching this for me. Features a young George Costanza!

The Driller Killer (1979) - Abel Ferrara

One of the more notorious nasties, probably because of the cover. It has a drill a entering a man's forehead anyways. The film is pretty trashy obviously, but there's something about it that makes it stand out among a lot of its peers. Not one of my favorites, but it actually has some interesting moments. I particularly like the trashy band and groupies in this.

The Evil Dead (1981) - Sam Raimi

Probably a cliche, but this film was a major turning point when it came to shaping my taste in films. After stumbling upon this I started tracking down more flicks off the beaten path. While "The Evil Dead" has become easily available everywhere lately and Sam Raimi makes big blockbusters these days, this was an eyeopener for me at the time. Hail to the king, baby!

Inferno (1980) - Dario Argento

Dario Argento's sort of related follow-up to the far superior "Suspiria". Crazy colour-use and a dreamlike atmosphere is what makes this worth watching really. Argento did some pretty odd choices when it came to the narrative though, which throws the pacing off completely halfway through the film. Not awful, but not really that great either. Seeing as Mario Bava's idiot son was involved in the making of this, I'm not going to be too harsh with Argento and Mario. 

(I still like you Lamberto, but you totally fucked up "Rabid Dogs" with your shitty cut and new soundtrack)

Censuren - En Thriller (2011) - Peter Normark

A great documentary on the history of Swedish film censorship, aired on SVT at the time the censorship board was closed. This one isn't really discussing the video nasties, but has a nice look at Sweden's equivalent "video violence" hysteria. Features insightful discussions on censorship in Sweden in comparison to censorship in other countries and some really interesting interviews with stars, directors and the good people of the censorship board themselves. Especially fun to see the remarkable Christina Lindberg look back and reflect on her career.