Brutal Sorcery (1983) - Pang Ling

Poor taxi driver Alan Cheng finds himself in a bit of Southeast Asian black magic related trouble after giving a pair of depressed ghosts a lift. After one of the tensest ramen-eating sequence in film history he finds himself "quite possessed" and starts vomiting and raving about Southeast Asia. Obviously there was some sort of love related death curse at play and a chap calling himself Kingpin, King of Devils is the only one who can help. Kingpin has a bunch of roosters/dead kids laying around in baskets in his sorcery-office and starts doing a bunch of BRUTAL SORCERY (a truly glorious title) to save Alan Cheng. Supposedly the film has a happy ending, even though Alan Cheng - the films' lead and hero - dies/explodes 20 minutes or so before the film ends (off screen mind you). None  of the characters seems to care about Alan Cheng at this point though, as they are occupied with Kingpin's shenanigans. Truly entertaining and features one of the most preposterous English dubs I've ever heard. Yay! 

Theme: Black Magic

Lots of asian magic nonsense! South east asian death curses, hong kong chaps
eating creepy crawlies, yellow paper galore and other ridiculous stuff!

 #torbovision

The Complicated Raping Case (1993) - Lok Daai Yue

I'm not entirely sure what I was expecting of a flick called The Complicated Raping Case. The streak of amusing catIIIs had to end eventually. The mistress of an old man (as sweaty as he is rich) is discovered dead and someone starts blackmailing his wife for some reason. There was some raping or something as well, but the whole situation is somewhat confusing due to the often incomprehensible subtitles. To be honest the "raping case" in question does not seem particularly complicated at all, but rather quite straight forward. However the various cops in the flick keeps on the repeating lines like "this case looks complicated" and similar shit nonstop. The Complicated Raping Case is basically a dull as fuck police procedural, riddled with tedious and awkward sex-scenes that seem utterly out of place. Lawrence Ng supposedly makes an appearance in this, I didn't see him though, seeing as it was impossible to pay attention to the movie. Don't waste any time on this stinker.

Raped by an Angel (1993) - Andrew Lau

A particularly slimy lawyer uses his keen understanding of the law to rape gals and get away with it. Chingmy Yau stars in this as a student/model/something, alongside Simon Yam as a good guy triad playboy. Inevitably one of Yau's girlfriends ends up in the clutches of the rapist and revenge has to be had. They come up with one of the most ridiculous revenge plots in history and somehow manages to pull it off. It suffices to say that it involves a rapist dressed as a clown (!), a bear trap, a bathtub filled with sulfuric acid, several panes of glass, a crossbow and a girl with AIDS. Some of these CatIIIs are real treats...

The Blue Jean Monster (1991) - Ivan Lai Gai-Ming

Genre-baddie Shing Fui-On plays a badass cop that meets an unfortunate end at the hands of some mean bank robbers. Fortunately (?) his corpse is hit by lightning, and he's brought back to life as a supercharged zombie - mayhem ensues. Of course this is not a simple revenge story, but rather a comedy romp about the ails of the recently turned undead. Shing tries to cover up his wounds with cookie dough and his wife (Pauline Wong) finds his sudden lack of sexdrive annoying. Tons of weird shit happens in this flick - boobs explode, cleaning montages with chipmunk voices, burgers get fondled, births, electrocutions, explosions and struggling marriages. Great!

Three Days of a Blind Girl (1993) - Chan Wing-Chiu

I came across this flick in the middle of a bunch of CatIIIs, but I reckon this thing is a IIb or something. Veronica Yip is temporarily blinded for three days after having eye surgery, while her heart surgeon husband is out of town. This is where a long haired and boyishly dressed Anthony Wong makes his appearance and makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Cue a memorable shower scene, castrations, rape, violence and other forms of abuse (poor doggy). The fact that they restrained themselves from going all out CatIII, is probably what makes this thing a quite effective thriller at times. Wong is menacing as usual and the film does not seem as cheap as a lot of its contemporary brethren. This particularly voyeuristic effort is also known under the title of Retribution Sight Unseen and I guess it's worth a look if you're into this brand of HK film making.

The Untold Story (1993) - Herman Yau

Been watching and rewatching a lot of CatIIIs lately, so I obviously had to have another look at The Untold Story. I didn't know this was co-directed by Danny Lee, but I guess that explains why his character is continuously swarmed by chicks. I remembered this as being quite humorous, but realized quickly that I must have it mixed up with Ebola Syndrome. To be honest there's not a lot of comedy in this at all, apart from some of Danny Lee's strange brand of cop-slapstick. It's a pretty mean film, and I must admit I still winced during the scene where Bunman attemps to cut his wrists with a rusty shovel... Another shining example of fucking awful HK prisons in the 90s.

Bloody Beast (1994) - Richard Yeung Kuen

One of the lesser known and harder to find CatIII nasties. The rip I ended up watching was sourced from an utterly worn out VHS, which made the subtitles unreadable most of the time. I could still make out a word here and there though, so it was still possible to get the gist of the story. There are perfectly valid reasons for Bloody Beast's obscurity though, as its a pretty shitty little flick. Lawrence Ng stars as an unemployed weirdo, who loves lactating breasts, peeping at chicks (especially his sister) and being useless. Lawrence is told to explain why he killed all "those people", and the rest of the film is told in typical flashback-from-prison fashion, with William Ho as warden! Of course nothing is explained, instead what follows is a series of quite entertaining peeping incidents and Lawrence indiscriminately killing/raping mothers and their babies with a ballhammer. However, Bloody Beast is cheap as fuck and not really worth a look.

The Keep (1983) - Michael Mann

Up until recently I was completely unaware that Michael Mann had made a flick about nazis resurrecting an ancient demon. Apparently everyone else and their mother had seen this thing too, so I figured I should give it a go. The vibe and feel of The Keep is pretty amazing actually. The sets, effects and, perhaps most importantly, the music is all bloody great. Honestly, who doesn't love watching demons make nazis explode? Reading a plot synopsis of this thing marked it as a potential favorite, however the film falls flat on its face when it comes to the story. You are stuck thinking that half of the scenes are missing from the film or something, seeing as all characters behave irrationally, appear out of nowhere and do weird shit. I have nothing against weird shit to be honest, but lots of the stuff going on in The Keep would benefit a lot from being explained (eg. who the fuck is the hero in this thing?). Even though the flick is all sorts of incomprehensible, I sort of adored it.

Dr. Lamb (1992) - Billy Tang

Simon Yam stars as a taxi driver, who turns violent when it rains. By "violent" I mean strangling female passengers, hacking them up, and pickling (!) their tits. His pickled tit collection eventually gets poured over Kent Chung's head. This is actually a true crime flick, and that is probably the main problem with Dr. Lamb. Supposedly, it follows the original story quite well, but that clearly was a bad idea. The "plot" is nonexistant and the film is rather as a result. There is some naughty flashbacks in the second half and all, but in general it is pretty tame in comparison to later CatIIIs. However, Billy Tang did his best to redeem himself by making Red to Kill and Run and Kill shortly after this though. Kent Cheng always seems to have a bad time in Tang's flicks. Poor Kent Cheng.

Taxi Hunter (1993) - Herman Yau

Taxi Hunter is basically the HK version of Falling Down - with taxis. Anthony Wong stars as a timid and kind family man, who ends up loosing said family when a taxi driver runs over his pregnant wife. Needless to say Wong is pissed off and starts executing taxi drivers in no-nonsense fashion. However, shit gets complicated once his cop brother-in-law goes undercover to track down the killer. I loved this flick, despite a couple of flaws. The most important of these being Ng Man-tat as one of the worst comic reliefs in the history of cinema. Seriously, it's like Rob Schneider in Judge Dredd but with some extra bonus-awfulness... I had almost forgotten how entertaining some of these CatIII efforts could be to be honest. While Taxi Hunter actually is a CatIIb flick, it has Anthony Wong losing his marbles and going ballistic. It basically plays out like the rest of his 90s revenge/psycho flicks (also, I lack an appropriate category for it). Wong + Yau = Rad

The Underground Banker (1994) - Bosco Lam

I was under the impression that I had seen this some years back, today I realized that I had never laid eyes on this thing after all. Follows the usual recipe of Anthony Wong CatIIIs - odd slapstick, slutty wife, psychos and meat cleavers. Wong's wife uses a triad loan shark to settle some debt, which results in her getting raped repeatedly before being burned alive. Seeing as their kid caught fire too, we get to see a scene were said horribly burn-scarred kid gets told that he'll never be able to play video games again - everyone cries and there's some sad guitar music. I'm not the one being macabre here though, the flick is a comedy and never even once attempts to be serious. A redeemed Dr. Lamb even makes an appearance! Superduper tasteless, cheap and liberatingly entertaining. 

Eyes Behind the Stars (1978) - Mario Gariazzo

I've only seen one Gariazzo flick before, when I saw his quite acceptable poliziotteschi The Bloody Hands of the Law. This film right here has an equally rad title, but I honestly can't remember how I figured this was something I needed to see. It is a prime example from the school of ultra-low budget Italian scifi. A googly-eyed photographer ends up snapping a couple of photos of aliens by mistake, and they begin abducting people in an attempt to recover his negatives (I saw an IMDb user liken this to Antonioni's Blowup!). The aliens looks amazing (in their glitter-overalls) and the alien POV-shots are pretty cool. However, rather than focusing on the aliens (the only scifi element of the story), Gariazzo spends most of the film elaborating on a dull political conspiracy. A conspiracy where Robert Hoffman accuses everyone of being spies, before continuing to slap them around. Eyes Behind the Stars is very silly, dumb and sleep-inducing. Somehow, I ended up liking this thing, after some text at the end stated that it was "sort of based on facts". Its a gloriously amateurish little thing. In addition this flick has some incredibly misleading VHS covers (a German one features a girls head trapped inside a wasp).

Harlequin (1980) - Simon Wincer

I grabbed this because it looked sort of bizarre - turns out it was. I am positively puzzled as to why anyone would think making this film was a good idea. What sort of drug-addled imbecile figured a movie about a David Bowie-impersonating magician would be "cool"? Robert Powell stars as a maniacal Bowie/Jesus/Clown, that takes on a government conspiracy! The movie is pretty weird for the entirety of its runtime, but its also completely uninteresting. It sort of felt like I was watching some bad italo scifi-schlock, but with a higher budget and lacking all the entertaining bits. The ominous "twist" ending, where a kids face suddenly appears in some filth on a kitchen floor, almost had me yelling at the screen in frustration. Harlequin is a total waste of time.

Next of Kin (1982) - Tony Williams

Next of Kin was the first of a couple movies I had to check out after having seen Not Quite Hollywood, sadly it was a bit of a disappointment. It is a quiet little horror effort, revolving around a woman inheriting a retirement home. A love interest is introduced, there's a bit of alzheimer-humour and then all kinds of weird shit starts happening. Next of Kin has a couple of amazing shots and scenes, but its also awfully predictable and quite dull at times. I generally found the good stuff I'd heard about this to be true, but then again there's also way too little of it. I really wanted to like this (I even loved it at times), but I can't honestly recommend it either.

Road Games (1981) - Richard Franklin

Road Games is a rather odd film really, seeing as it plays out as a perfect blend of Rear Window and Duel. James Stewart, as wheelchair-bound peeping tom, is replaced by Stacy Keach, as truckdriver, peeping at the passengers of various cars around him. The sleep-deprived Keach (and his pet dingo) has to haul a bunch of meat across the country, and is happy to pick up some company in the form of a hitching Jamie Lee Curtis. Of course, there's also a killer on the prowl along the same stretch of road, in addition to a whole bunch of other weirdos. Enjoyable and light hearted with nice dynamics between Keach and Curtis (also far superior to Duel).

Red to Kill (1994) - Billy Tang

Red to Kill is a rather notorious CatIII flick, that raised the bar for rapeyness in cinema. The story is centered around the sad sob-story of a handicapped girl who looses her dad in a car-accident and has to move in with a collective of the mentally ill. Everyone there loves her, she learns how to dance, happy music montage, blah blah blah. The real primus motor of the story however, is the batshit insane, beefy muscle-raper, who runs around murdering/raping chicks wearing red. Our heroine figures wearing red is a great idea of course, and before you know it, you are watching the mentally ill get butt-raped by a howling bodybuilder. I guess it possibly kind of borders on the territory of the tasteless. Billy Tang demonstrates that this indeed is a serious and touching film though, by showing us a lengthy shower/pube-shaving sequence accompanied by a sad keyboard soundtrack after the rape. The rest of the flick contains some revenge, some more rape and an utterly downbeat ending. All in all a very rapey film. Way to go Billy Tang...

Hell in a Bottle (1986) - Yoshihiro Kawasaki

I've loved this poster for ages, but up until recently I had no idea what flick it was actually for. The poster does have some sort of depraved and messed up SM-vibe going for it though (look, the artist even took his time to draw tears!), so I reckoned Nikkatsu might have had something to do with it. Turns out as I was right, seeing as this is the poster for Binzume Jigoku/Hell in a Bottle. Someone had been so kind to make a rip of the Nikkatsu laserdisc, so I gave it a whirl. I'm really unsure what I was expecting from this to be honest, what I got was a late and utterly dull Nikkatsu Roman production anyways. I should mention that this thing didn't have subs and that I sort of fast-forwarded through it, so I might have missed out on some of the finer nuances of the story. Pixelated sex is the main narrative element here and there is quite a lot of it. Eventually someone ends up in a bottle, then there's some more pixelated sex and the film ends. Things to be aware of: the bottle is too large to enable a fit as snug as the one on the poster, the film features very little crying and at no point do we encounter any octopodes.

Possessed II (1984) - David Lai

I reckon there's a reasonable chance David Lai got hooked on crack between the filming of the first film in the series and this thing right here. Similar to the first Possessed, the first third of Possessed II is a quite ordinary tale of possessions, black magic and spooky shit (mind you there's no continuity between the two films). A miserable couple and their kid move in to a flat haunted by a shitton of ghosts, and their marriage suffers even more as a result. The wife gets pregnant, has a ghost-related incident leading to miscarriage (a rather bloody such, taking place in a dirty stairwell) and the husband gets pissed off. What follows is a bunch of wacky incidents - perhaps most noteworthy is the one where their daughter turns into a levitating, green vampire and beats up a fat bully. Mr. Husband, however, does only realize that something is horribly wrong, after his wife starts showing him affection and cooks him dinner. Still, this is only what happens in the rather ordinary introduction of the film. His wife also starts luring random men to their doom by: (1) magically seducing them, (2) turning into a hairy dog-woman (with gyrating, hairy dog boobs) and (3) eating them. Furthermore, we find a comedic, botched exorcism attempt, involving copious amounts of feng shui, mahjong and dog-blood. 

This is of course where the film flips the tables on you, David Lai loses his shit and all conventions go down the drain. A bunch of western Hare Krishnas followers suddenly enter the fray, and explain that all of this is happening because a dude called Tim Burton dumped a chick (rather bluntly) ages ago. The  film is no longer about saving its shitty lead characters, but rather the newly introduced Tim Burton (who we get to see in a photo). The Hare Krishnas came prepared and brought a shitload of high tech computers, tazer-traps, magic needles and a Ganesha-truck. The Ganesha-truck has a container on the back - complete with fire-breathing statue of Ganesha inside - and fulfils its role as baby-corpse incinerator really well. At a certain point, everything just explodes and the film ends. Of course, this is really just a fraction of what happens in Possessed II... It goes without saying that the drugs flowing through Hong Kong in the 80s was great - the same goes for the movie.

Possessed (1983) - David Lai

Two cops find themselves haunted by a mean ghost, after killing a man by mistake. Actually, it turns out killing the poor bloke is sort of unrelated to the whole haunting-thing (even though his face turned blue and started to swell after they shot him). What follows is the usual fare to be expected from a HK horror flick named Possessed. The ghost is out for revenge and attempts to achieve this by: raping chicks, killing random people, possessing furniture and spamming up the pager of one of the cops. It's a shame that the first half of the flick drags on with nothing of interest happening for quite some time. Then again, ghost-rape is entertaining, especially when it results in green ectoplasm-splooge everywhere! Possessed offers nothing out of the ordinary really, but it's still a fun little flick. In addition, Possessed taught me that Korean girls apparently can be "pinched everywhere". Huh.

Bewitched (1981) - Kuei Chih-Hung

A man kills his young daughter by driving a nine-inch spike into her skull. The killer claims he is innocent, seeing as he was recently cursed by a good-looking Thai lady. The curse stemming from the fact that he mistook a typist for a hooker on vacation. The judge will have none of it though, and quickly sentences him to death. To fulfil the dying wish of the killer, a detective heads to Thailand to lift the curse. What follows is an amazing display of various spells, how they are cast and how they work. Expect to see fetus- and corpse-juice aplenty, worms being eaten, levitating skulls, people exploding and lemons! Considering the anti-magic stance of the judge in the beginning of the film, you could be lead to believe that the moral of the story is that magic is real. However that is not the case. Before the film's final corpse is done exploding, explanatory text pops up stating that "the moral of this story is to admonish people against casual sex." Good to know.

Also, check out the sequel, Boxer's Omen, as both flicks are amazing.

The Pick-Up (1968) - Lee Frost

Classic roughie by Lee Frost! Two sleazy thugs transporting cash from Vegas to New York, gets in trouble after a couple of equally sleazy chicks steal their cash. Lots of even sleazier thugs gets involved in an attempt to get the cash back, and before you know it, nipples are being electrocuted! Expect the usual roughie-mix of sex and violence, some deceit and a ludicrous ending. The Danish subs on the SWV print are great by the way, they renamed the flick as A Sex-Animal in Vegas! Still, not really my cup of tea.

Corpse Mania (1981) - Kuei Chih-Hung

I think I grabbed a copy of this because of the title alone. You can't honestly expect me to not check out a film called Corpse Mania? That title is fucking amazing. I knew nothing about the film and expected it to be some sort of black magic feature considering all the maggots on the cover. To my surprise, it turned out to be a slow, but well-paced, crime mystery. A necrophiliac is on the loose, killing and raping  hookers (in that order). The stern inspector Zhang is put on the case and must catch the culprit, before the whorehouse looses all its valuable assets. Actually not bad at all. I wish all crime-procedurals ended like this one!

War Dog (1987) - Björn Carlström

War Dog is basically Sweden's take on Universal Soldier (actually predating "Universal Soldier" by several years). Swedes traumatized by the Vietnam war has been pumped full of drugs and turned into killers by a hairy bear named Spacek. A veteran sets out to stop him, and after about a thousand innocents has been gunned down in crossfire, the film ends. I think it would be safe to assume that Björn Carlström hated kids with a passion. War Dog should be lauded in its attempt to pass off Varberg, Sweden as the US. Everyone in the states apparently drive Volvos and live in brightly coloured, Swedish suburbs. On the other hand, every scene also has some prop to signify that this in fact was shot in the US. War Dog thus becomes an interesting check list of what is typically American according to the director (read: flags, flags, flags). The dialogue has this sort of faux-cool vibe to it, that makes it impossible not to love War Dog. This film wants to be American so badly, that it almost crosses into satire territory. Brilliant at times, also boring.

Boxer's Omen (1983) - Kuei Chih-Hung

In Boxer's Omen (The sequel to Bewitched) Phillip Ko heads into Thailand to avenge his brother, after a Thai-boxing match went awry. Apparently the moment you enter Southeast Asia, the superhip Hong Kong streets and trendsetters are replaced with worm-worshippers, vomit-eating savages and swamp huts. It's odd how this also was the case in The Seventh Curse (and dozen other HK flicks), you could almost be lead to believe that the good people of Hong Kong find themselves to be culturally superior and more civilized or something... Boxer's Omen is pretty awesome though, the racism and ridiculous stereotypes only adding to the fun obviously. It is filled with off the hook black magic duels, which really is enough to satisfy me alone these days. If you're into flying heads, dudes eating gross stuff, crocodile-zombie girls. stop-motion bat-skeletons and Tibetan Buddhist killer-robots, this is the film for you!

Exciting Dragon (1981) - Chui Chun-hing

Having heard that Exciting Dragon was as enjoyable as Taoism Drunkard, it was obvious that I had to check it out at some point. Somehow I had missed out on the fact that the Yuen clan were involved with both of these productions though, and ended up loving Exciting Dragon as well. Actually I had missed out on the fact that there was such a thing as the Yuen clan in general, even though I've seen lots of flicks starring and/or made by them. A whiny man-boy named "Doggy", his grandmother (played by Sheng Chiang of the Venoms) and Doggy's fiancée ("Miss Piggy"), ends up getting in trouble as they own the "Seven Star Armour". This armour is sought after by a mad band of villains consisting of: (1) a mute, red-haired muscleman, complete with a candle/flame thrower on his head, (2) a dude with a decapitation device/human saw-blade car and (3) generic laughing boss-villain with gold outfit and mechanic extendo-fist (Phillip Ko!). Magic galore, tons and tons of raunchy jokes, a dude in a magic Taoism land-boat battles the previously mentioned saw-blade car, an eccentric uncle invents photography and Doggy whines incessantly. Fucking amazing. 

Encounters of the Spooky Kind (1980) - Sammo Hung

The spooky trilogy is another series I sadly never checked out until recently. Written, directed, choreographed and starring Sammo Hung, who surprisingly excels at all of these things. Very entertaining and silly, without suffering from the usual amount of piss-based humour you tend to find in HK comedies. Hung plays a naive fatty encountering tons of spooky shit, while trying to figure out the identity of his wife's lover. Sorcerers, hopping vampires and cops complicate Hung's quest for truth, survival and the opportunity to give his wife a beating in glorious slow-motion. Dudes are possessed by gods and do martial arts. However, the conflict is ultimately decided by who has the tallest altar. Obviously.

Not Quite Hollywood (2008) - Mark Hartley

While I enjoyed American Grindhouse quite a lot, I enjoyed this one a lot more. Actually, this one is very similar in form to the latter, but the world of ozploitation is one I have traversed far less. I've realized I've seen far too few ozploitation flicks, and this thing is filled with stuff I'm now compelled to track down and watch. Tarantino makes an appearance here, and while his face is as punchable as ever, he actually recommends some decent-looking stuff. Well worth a look, it definitely made ozploitation feel like a new frontier to check out for me.

American Grindhouse (2010) - Elijah Drenner

A straight-forward documentary about grindhouse cinema in America, featuring tons of interviews. I can't honestly say I learned a lot of new things from this documentary, but it is a good, albeit compact, historical overview of exploitation production in the states. With that being said, this one is worth a look because of the interviews alone. John Landis appears as usual, but also a lot of other chaps such as Fred Olen Ray, Herschell Gordon Lewis and Don Edmonds. The resulting documentary form is very anecdotal, but then again the anecdotes are entertaining. I was smirking throughout the entirety of Don Edmonds description of how he ended up doing the Ilsa-flicks. 

Razorback (1984) - Russell Mulcahy

Razorback is a touching drama about the Australian outback, isolation and mad pigs. While I've never been a big fan of animal attack flicks, I must admit this one is thoroughly enjoyable. No one does inbred redneck weirdos like the Australians do. Among the myriad other flicks in the "vicious mega-pig" genre, this one is a proper classic! Is it even possible to dislike a film about baby-eating pigs?

Soultaker (1990) - Michael Rissi

Robert Z'dar and the soulless Joe Estevez is stealing the souls of spoiled, cokehead kids. Poor Joe Estevez most definitely drew the short straw among Martin Sheen's offspring, looking the most like a junkie and having had a less than stellar "career". While Joe Estevez is a depressing chapter of film history, it is ultimately Z'Dar's face that ends up stealing the show in Soultaker - as it ends up doing in every film it stars in. I'm sort of awestruck every time I gaze upon that bony, cyst-like structure... I reckon watching this thing without the help of MST3K was a bad idea.

2Everything2Terrible2: Tokyo Drift (2010)

The second feature length mixtape from the EIT-dudes. I went to this expecting something like their first tape, but encountered something resembling the inbred bastard-son of tv-carnage and crazy dave instead. Basically intense montage from start to finish, with no breaks. A bit bewildering at first, but great once you give up. Pretend you're on mushrooms - just go with it. Pretty sweet!

TORBOVISION RETURNS

The Witch Who Came From the Sea (1976) - Matt Cimber

Millie Perkins hates razor blade commercials and football players, but loves castrating football players with razors. Turns out she has some troubling daddy-issues, as her chubby, alcoholic sailor-dad was a cunt. Has some trippy moments and is somewhat less trashy than a lot of the nasties. Worth a look. Possibly.

Cannibal Terror (1981) - Alain Deruelle

A french cannibal film, with some likely Franco involvement. If Franco indeed had something to do with this, at least that would explain why it doesn't make much sense. Franco never cared for such restraints as plot or coherence, Cannibal Terror doesn't care either. I like how the "jungle" in this flick is mostly barren wasteland or fields (the colour green is simply absent in the film) and how the cannibals looks like bored frenchmen. Robbers end up in cannibal country, rape each other and die. Pretty bad.

The Man from Deep River (1972) - Umberto Lenzi

Armed with an endless supply of J&B, Ivan Rassimov heads down river, only to be captured by savages!  It's essentially a remake of A Man Called Horse mixed with elements from the mondo film. The Man from Deep River is supposedly the film that set the standards for Italian cannibal cinema. From the hands of Umberto Lenzi, starring Rassimov and set to an amazingly dreamy soundtrack from Daniele Patucchi. How could this possibly be bad? It is indeed one of the better cannibal films, as it actually has something more to offer than gruesome violence and animal killings. I must admit that i found it quite entertaining to see Rassimov play something other than a menacing giallo-madman, even though he's pretty scrawny-looking in this. Very decent, it's even sort of upbeat at times!

The Ghastly Ones (1968) - Andy Milligan

Andy Milligan's super schlocky costume-horror film The Ghastly Ones, is not really my cup of tea. There's nothing wrong with the pacing or anything - dumb shit happens constantly. Being a Milligan flick it's maddeningly amateurish at every level, and this also makes it somewhat charming. Still, there's something disorienting, almost nauseating about how this thing is shot. The actors and spaces are cramped together in such a way that they are barely contained within the frame and the handheld camera doesn't really help at all. The Ghastly Ones is the definition of dirtcheap pre-SOV horror, but it sort of gets tiring after a while.

Killer Nun (1978) - Giulio Berruti

I've never really managed to get into the whole nunsploitation thing, and flicks like Killer Nun is the reason why. It sports Anita Ekberg as a nun hooked on morphine at a mental asylum, and Ekberg is as boring as ever. She stars along the equally boring non-actor Joe Dallessandro, who's attempt at portraying characters is limited to positioning himself in front of the camera. Some murders are committed, Ekberg is freaking out and we get to see the obligatory lesbian nun-action. Painstakingly dull (but with a very nice closing shot). 

Toxic Zombies (1981) - Charles McCrann

A bunch of EVIL marijuana growers gets sprayed with a secret government pesticide - the result is Toxic Zombies! Raving hippie zombies continue to wreak havoc in a mostly empty forest. This thing feels a lot like Don't Go in the Woods, but with zombies instead of a nutty hobo. It is equally bad, but where the other flick at least was pretty entertaining, this thing is just dull. The director actually tried to put in some political commentary in this, but it's as badly pulled off as the rest of the film and falls flat on its face. Has a few laughable moments, but isn't really worth a look. That cover is awesome though...

Night Warning (1982) - William Asher

A minute into Night Warning I was beginning to brace myself for another utterly dull video nasty, luckily an off the hook car crash got me interested again! I might just be confused from having seen tons of shitty flicks lately, but this was actually pretty decent. The UK title Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker is a much better title for this, I don't even know what a "Night Warning" is supposed to be. Anyways, it's a story involving crazy aunts, rampant homophobia, slimy cops, young love and pickled heads! Pretty good.

Don't Go Near the Park (1981) - Lawrence D. Foldes

I read somewhere that this flick was "mindblowingly bad", that is simply not true. This is as good as it gets when it comes to cannibal vampire-cavemen flicks! Seriously, it's really not that bad. You got to be some sort of weirdo if you don't enjoy a flick that has youngsters getting eaten, cavemen, zombies, magical amulets and dirty rape-hippies. Radical.

I Miss You, Hugs and Kisses (1978) - Murray Markowitz

This is actually a Canadian court procedural retelling a love-drama-murder-case involving Hungarians and models. I sort of like police procedurals and detective stories, but this was a tad too bad for my liking. Not spectacularly bad or anything, just not very good. There's not really anything nasty about this film either, and I was utterly confused as to why this had been banned while watching it. It feels totally out of place when piled together with the other nasties. There is a rape in it, but that's really the only thing prudes can scowl at here. Primarily it's a sad story about a depressed Hungarian who loses his hair.

Unhinged (1982) - Don Gronquist

You know, films like this is what makes me question whether watching all the nasties was a good idea. It's right there at the bottom of the list together with the other almost unwatchable DPP entries. Some chicks on their way to a music festival end up in a car accident, and before you can say "please, kill me" they are being held hostage/murdered by a bunch of weirdos in a mansion. The only good things I can say about Unhinged is: (1) it ends after 80 minutes (it could have been longer!) and (2) it's not as bad as Frozen Scream.

Exposé (1976) - James Kenelm Clarke

Udo Kier plays an author who hires a secretary - thats about it. Lots of ominous strolling around indoors, Udo wearing gloves and the occasional glimpse of nudity. It is absolute tripe. I really feel the pain of the poor Japanese fellows, who got tricked into suffering through Exposé due to the cover above. Only watch this if you're an idiot.

Human Experiments (1979) - Gregory Goodell

After strolling into a crime scene, talentless singer, Rachel is thrown in jail for life. "Human Experiments" is a fine example of how bland American WIP-flicks usually are - especially when compared to their Italian counterparts. I think it might be humanly impossible to care about anything happening in this film. There's a couple of bugs attacking a chick or something at one point, but that's about it. Mind-numblingly boring.

There Was a Little Girl (1981) - Ovidio G. Assonitis

Identical twins, skin diseases, birthdays, deaf kids and a demon-rottweiler! Straight forward slashy horror, that somehow manages to not excel at anything. Despite its mediocrity I sort of liked this, as it has some nice moments and a decent soundtrack by Riz Ortolani. Ortolani's score is very similar to the one he did for "Cannibal Holocaust" though. Also, a dog eats a kid (off-screen) and said dog has an unpleasant run-in with a drill! I'd rather watch Assonitis' bizarre "Stridulum" again before this though.

Women Behind Bars (1975) - Jess Franco

I like Franco for being a perv, but this flick was pretty fucking dull. Some diamonds have been stolen, some dudes are killed and a chick ends up in jail with electrodes in her vagina because of it. It was all according to plan or something though, I wasn't really paying much attention after a while. The cameraman can barely keep the camera aimed towards the faces during dialogue and has a tendency to drift off towards the chest or groin region constantly. Towards the end of the film, one of the characters states that murders were committed, before he poses the question: "but who were the victims?" The answer is of course: "Anyone who bothered sitting through the entirety of this awful film".

Flesh for Frankenstein (1973) - Paul Morrissey

Paul Morrissey's farce-take on the Frankenstein story. It's a joke, I get it, but I don't find the joke as funny as criterion does. Udo Kier and his weirdo servant in this is basically what keeps this thing together. I can imagine "Flesh for Frankenstein" being very entertaining at one of the original 3D cinema screenings, but watching this by yourself is really not very amusing.

Snuff (1976) - Michael Findlay

That this film was supposed to contain an actual murder, is its only selling point. It's a laughably bad attempt at making a film, that is almost cruel in its dullness. The "real" murder is slapped on at the end of a flick about a cult lead by a chap calling himself Satan. While the psych-freakout biker-vibe of it all, is pretty cool in all its amateurish glory, you quickly lose interest. I shouldn't have bothered watching this again, even though some laughs were had due to the dubbing.

The Ninja Mission (1984) - Mats Helge

Those evil russians are at it again, threatening world peace in their attempt to get hold of moron-scientist Markov's secret formula. He has cleverly disguised this formula, whatever it does, as a trashy romance novel using his immense wit. Swedish ninjas sort it out though, with guns making peoples' heads and hearts explode, gas projectors, swords and kalashnikovs. Features a bizarre mix of accents, action sequences where unarmed russians gets murdered and a stunning array of Hemingway impersonators. Still, it somehow manages to be sort of dull at times (damn you, mediocre pacing!). Watch it anyways, it's a Swedish ninja flick, goddamnit!

Dead and Buried (1981) - Gary Sherman

Townsfolk have become mad photographers, murdering people entering their town while taking snapshots of them. "Dead and Buried" is an odd little film, with great special effects. One of the weirder films on the DPP list, but also one of the best. A classic!

The Night of the Bloody Apes (1972) - René Cardona

A Mexican female wrestler/ape-man flick! The son of a surgeon is withering a way from disease, and the only solution seems to be a gorilla heart transplant. The obvious drawback to such a transplant though, is that it turns you into a beefy, monkeyfaced rapekiller. I was a bit surprised to see real open heart surgery-inserts in the midst of all this silliness, as it is utterly out of place and pretty grisly. Entertaining schlock!