The Order of the Black Eagle (1987) - Worth Keeter

After being promised Orson Welles, nazis, explosions, baboons and "Adolf Hitler as Himself", there was no way I could not watch Order of the Black Eagle. In addition, my curiosity was peaked by the fact that it is described as a "pseudo-parody"on wikipedia (what does that even mean?!). Duncan Jax, super spy and baboon caretaker, has to stop neo-nazis in a generic South American country from achieving world domination. You see, the local top nazi and Orson Welles-impersonator, has managed to come up with a dubious plan involving "proton beams" and satellites, in-between eating whole chickens in his temple ruin-lair. Also, he has stored Hitler in cryogenic sleep in the basement, but that's really just a side treat and not relevant to the plans of world domination. Needless to say Duncan Jax and "Boon" the baboon has to set things straight, and do so by means of covert operations and shooting everyone in the face. The Order of the Black Eagle is a relatively ghastly affair in most ways, with constant interspersed closeups of "Boons" two only (and appalling) facial expressions. Ghastly but also rather entertaining. Give it a go if you want to know why baboon actors isn't "a thing".

Indio (1989) - Antonio Margheriti

Indio is Margheriti's 54th film according to IMDb and one of his last jungle flicks. Brian Denney is building a road through the jungle and has decided that it should go on top of every native village he can find. When Dennehy brings in the bulldozers and guns to raze Indio the injun's village, enough is enough. Indio is pissed off and luckily he just got back from his dayjob as a murdering über-commando. Indio slaps some traps together, rigs logs with dynamite and fucks people up with a blowpipe. Dennehy eventually calls in backup in the form of a band of commandos dressed as a barbershop group from hell. Indio's action bits are not too bad actually, there's even some originality here, the problem is that the breaks between these bits are a tad too long. Indio is a pretty straightforward rambo ripoff and the plot can't really carry the flick by itself. It's definitely not spectacular and it's not terrible, it's just sort of slow.  Marvelous Marvin Hagler makes a short appearance in this, but is apparently the star of the two sequels! Give it a go, or don't, it's not like I know what I'm talking about.

Slash (1984) - Jun Gallardo

When the daughter of a CIA dude gets kidnapped by the Vietcong along with some important documents (or something), Romano Kristoff/Slash is called in to save the day! To get shit done he brings an absolutely idiotic-looking supergun, that somehow also is a pair of binoculars, a GPS, a sonar and a rocketlauncher. Slash actually has a cooler/more explody cover, but the one above illustrates the ludicrous nature of Slash's dumbass gun much better. There's lots of angry screaming, quite a bit of shooting, huts explode all over, Slash robs farmers of their morphine and a helicopter explodes in slightly unconvincing fashion! This thing is pretty much mediocre in every way, but it's never really boring. Quite watchable!

Crossbone Territory (1988) - Danilo Cabreira

There's nothing worse than a cheap as shit movie taking itself seriously. You can feel that these poor guys set out to make something truly good, while at the same time witnessing their complete failure in doing so. I don't think I've ever cared less about a rag tag band of jungle commandos (although Phantom Soldiers comes to mind). In Crossbone Territory a bunch of commandos stroll around in the jungle in the most boring way imaginable, while stepping into traps and getting shot at every other minute. It is generally a very shooty flick, but as everything reeks of complete shoddiness at all times, it becomes impossible to care about any of it. According to the explanatory text+freeze frame at the end (it ends on a "serious" note) it was about the battle of Khe Sanh. This was probably made clear earlier in the film too, but after 90 minutes of people walking through bushes and nonstop shooting, my brain had began to block things out. By the final battle scene, Crossbone Territory was nothing more than audiovisual noise to me. It doesn't help that the music is absolutely ghastly at times either. It basically sounds like a bunch of terrible piano players are fighting to play different Phillip Glass pieces on a single piano. Painfully tiresome.

Jungle Wolf 2 (1988) - Neil Callaghan

Return Fire AKA the sequel to Forgotten Warrior and Jungle Wolf. Dear god, why did they expand the Jungle Wolf franchise? I find it mysterious that there was a market for Ron Marchini flicks in general. First of all, Jungle Wolf is not in a jungle this time around, but rather some sort of industrial lot filled with pipes. Not a whole lot is explained, he's back in the US or something and is immediately pursued by thugs. It is all set to music lifted straight from a bad 50s thriller and immensely uninteresting. The badguy is sort of cool though, as he kills some dudes in the office of his evil drug lair and insists that the bodies should be left there to make an example. I guess smell is not an issue. Adam West is in this flick for some reason, but it's all for nothing though, seeing as Jungle Wolf 2 is fucking horrible. I guess I'll have to watch Jungle Wolf 3 now, just to get it done. Be gentle Marchini.

The Forgotten Warrior (1986) - Charlie Ordoñez

Whoa whoa whoa, hold it right there! I seem to have had my Steve Parrish-canon confused. Apparently the character Steve Parrish appeared in this movie - Forgotten Warrior - before he was in Jungle Wolf. The nonsensical flashbacks in Jungle Wolf suddenly makes more sense. Forgotten Warrior is also miles better than Jungle Wolf. Steve still wears his trademark sleeve-regenerating yellow shirt, but this time around he actually shoots people, throws his ninja stars and wears a ridiculous conical hat! Steve is left behind after the Vietnam war and ekes out a living in a tiny village. He gets married, has a kid and teaches the whole village generic martial arts. Things are looking pretty swell, but, as we have learned by watching Jungle Wolf 1 & 2, Steve's wretched dick is cursed. Every woman he touches ends up dead. Eventually ghosts from the past appear (see: murdering American soldiers), his village is blown up and his wife is raped and killed. Classic Steve. Forgotten Warrior is actually pretty awesome. It has cinema's greatest stick fight and is not an utter borefest like the sequels. I still wonder why they made a four-movie series about Steve though.

Jungle Wolf (1986) - Charlie Ordoñez

Such a promising title, such a promising cover, too bad Jungle Wolf is an utter waste of time. Steve Parrish - the yellow-shirted Jungle Wolf - heads into the jungle to rescue an American ambassador. We're told that we're in South America, but for some odd reason it looks a lot like the Philippines. Soon there is a montage where Jungle Wolf loads up on guns, knifes, swords and ninja stars, accompanied by the films amazing title track promising us that Jungle Wolf is "Back-Back in action!". Of course, this is all a ruse intended to set the viewer up for disappointment. You see, mr. Jungle Wolf use the mentioned hardware in the dullest fashion imaginable. He basically strolls around i the jungle for 40 minutes punching people with his guns. The only time he uses his ninja star is to cut a piece of rope, wielding the thing like a knife. For some inexplicable reason a rebel chick and an obese, machine gun-carrying dimwit (Paco), is tagging along on Jungle Wolf's quest to eradicate my interest in movies. Paco is actually fairly entertaining, but sadly he is given way too little screen time. Watch this if you want to see a bored-looking chap punch people with his rifle and lob grenades at trees for what seems like an eternity. Don't even get me started at the horrible freeze-frame ending. I guess Jungle Wolf has a handful of so-called "moments", but in general it is a rather ghastly affair. The best thing about this flick is that it has a prequel! The worst thing about this flick, is that it has a sequel (or at least something posing as a sequel).

Jungle Heat (1988) - Ratno Timoer

I'm back and have found my way back to the jungle! After doing a rewatch of Jobic Wong's goddamn amazing Jungle Heat, I figured it was about time I checked out it's Indonesian namesake. Turns out Ratno Timoer's Jungle Heat is fucking great too! Starring Peter O'Brian from Rambu ("in his most eloquent and interesting" role according to his obviously fan-written wikipedia article) and badass Advent Bangun (Timoer's Devil's Sword). With all these signs of quality, it's a mystery why I haven't watched this sooner. In an opening scene oddly reminiscent of Braindead, it is established that we are dealing with savage cannibals and a treasure. A certain Dr. Albert is after said treasure, but fucks up immensely, is nibbled to death and has his baby daughter fall into the hands of the cannibals. The cannibals proceed to raise her as their queen after they botch their attempt at sacrificing her to the gods. Skip a few years ahead and an adventurer named Lola have gotten hold of Dr. Albert's map. After discussing the map in Indonesia roughest bar (rape-attempts and fights galore), she teams up with Peter O'Brian and head into the jungle. What follows is every jungle actioner trope in the book. It's basically nonstop action up until the last 30 mins or so, when the narrative creeps to a standstill with cannibal marriages and awkward love scenes. Just before the end Ratno Timoer seem to have realized that some HIGH OCTANE was needed though, and people start killing each other and/or exploding. YES!

Robowar (1989) - Bruno Mattei

Predator as reimagined by Bruno Mattei. If you replace the space-alien with a robocopesque robot that sounds like a speak & spell toy on crack + replace Schwarzenegger with Reb Brown you have this flick.  Also, has Massimo Vanni (from tons of neat Italian stuff) and supercool Filipino beefcake Max Laurel (from Zuma, Sgt. Clarin and Commander: The Last American Soldier). It even has quite a bit of hut-destruction. Robowar is awesome in every sense of the word! Robowar is one of my favorite Mattei films. Watch this one back to back with Robo Vampire.

Rolf (1983) - Mario Siciliano

Mario Siciliano, director of the racist sleazefest Skin 'em Alive makes another entry into the mercenary genre. Somehow this ends up being more sleazy and equally racist. I'd dare say it's up there with Garrone's lurid productions when it comes to the sleaze-factor. Sweaty gangrapes, drugs, torture, traps, murders and so on. The scene where the baddest baddie shoots at kids being thrown through the air is nuts. This film also sports a genuinely awesome italocheese soundtrack by Fabio Frizzi ("Rolf! You burned out the love inside!"). The oddest bit in this, has to be the religious motive recurring throughout the film. Apparently Rolf is a modern day Jesus, drawing strength directly from god. Note: our title-character Rolf spends a lot of time crying in this film. The scene were he stumbles into and falls asleep in a ditch filled with leeches, is excellent. Beyond ridiculous, but still lacking severely in entertainment value. Lame!

Skin 'em Alive (1978) - Mario Siciliano

An utterly lurid entry into the mercenary/italo-action genre. Racism, rapes and murder is the usual fare in these flicks, but when there are no appealing characters in the film whatsoever, you start wondering what sort of audience this was made for originally. Siciliano's later film, Rolf, is dealing with a lot of the same stuff, but at least Rolf is laughably silly at times (leeches!). Skin 'em Alive is a sweaty, racist, perv flick and it totally makes sense that it was made in Italy. This one isn't a lot of fun (a bit fun though).

Tornado (1983) - Antonio Margheriti

 

A film that perfectly illustrates the problems of making a serious war-film on a shoestring budget, using z-grade actors and a terrible script. The stock footage helicopters in this one speaks volumes of the film. While it's not utterly bad, it's also not particularly interesting either. Margheriti has made some cool shit, but this is not one of them. I think the problem has to do with it being neither bad nor good enough to be worth seeing. Picks up a bit halfway, once the behind enemy lines/Cross of Iron-theme begins Also, features token bearded fatty Alan Collins. Meh!

Sgt. Clarin: Bullet for your Head (1990) - Willie Dado

YES! Max Laurel is back as Sgt. Clarin! Clarin is a highly efficient beater-upper and gets recruited to the military after demonstrating his skills on some assholes in a bar. It turns out Clarin is just as good at putting down rebels (using swords, guns and explosives). For some reason assholes come flocking after poor Clarin throughout the whole movie, but he will have none of it! Indiscriminately killing everyone in his way, Clarin finds himself in an increasing amount of trouble. This flick has basically nonstop, quality action and is generally damn entertaining. Great final stand. Max Laurel is badass.

Hell Squad (1986) - Kenneth Hartford

Whiny son of American dignitary gets kidnapped by mad sheikh so that sheikh can force dad into giving him the formula for the "ultra neutron bomb". Dad hires moron to save son. Moron has ingenious plan of training idiotic, mediocre-looking Las Vegas showgirls as elite soldiers to rescue son. Even though most of the film is spent in the bathtub with the female "Hell Squad", the rescue mission succeeds. Ghastly!

Final Score (1986) - Arizal

Arizal + Chris Mitchum + Mike Abbott = Dirtbiking from hell! Kid gets shot and has to watch his mother getting raped to death. Dude straps rocket launchers and machine guns to his dirtbike and goes bananas. This masterpiece doesn't have a single dull second. This is a relic peeps!

Cannibal Mercenary (1983) - Hong Lu Wong

Yeah, the film were people get peed on by top notch freaks! You can't take any risks when meeting strangers, so you might as well pee on them to be safe. After all, they could be VC. War is hell, peeps. Actually the odd looking gent in this Thai actioner, is actually Sangthong Seesai, a fairly well known singer if I've understood wikipedia correctly. Actually, go check out some of his stuff below, it isn't bad at all. This film also has the gnarliest looking crack commando unit in jungle action film history. Note: the cannibals of the title, or "draculas" as they're called in the film, doesn't really enter the fray until an hour or so. Totally nuts, supercheap and very entertaining. Someone even took the time to make a composite of the various editions of this. Rad!

Phantom Soldiers (1987) - Teddy Page

A strange plot involving the US-Mexican border, Vietnam and masked dudes killing villagers. Tons of action in this one, but, for some reason, it's still unbelievably dull. The goodguys basically swear and shout continuously from start to end/whenever I turned it off, but somehow it does not really save the film. Meh!

Commander: The Last American Soldier (1988) - Ignazio Dolce

Commander AKA Roger, Craig or something along those lines, is living the dream life, his wife is pregnant, the Vietnamese refugee village he lives in is filled with happy, albeit traumatized, people and he gets to kill communists by dozens every day. Needless to say, the Russians are not particularly happy with Commander  and after he steals some important tech stuff and blows up everything, they decide to hunt him down. Unfortunately for Commander, the Russian commandos are pretty good at what they do too, and within a day his village, wife and friends can be added to the list of things that is blown up in Commander: The Last American Soldier! Commander builds a supergun (see: a bunch of guns and rocketlaunchers and shit strapped together) and sets out to blow up the rest of the sets in the movie. This movie is awesome. There's basically some sort of amazing shit going down every few minutes and it doesn't seem as cheap as a lot of other jungle flicks. Non-stop hut destruction!

Rambu (1986) - Jopi Burnama

Rambu aka The Intruder! Indonesian Rambo Peter O'Brian vs. a raping Orson Welles-lookalike. In other words a great premise for a film. Every chick Rambu is in contact with ends up raped and/or murdered, and he sets out to fuck up shit in return. Drinking game: drink every time someone says Rambu. Pretty sweet!

Jungle Heat (1985) - Jobic Wong

Where should I even begin? The Vietnam war is not going too well for the Americans, and they are in desperate need for truck drivers! To fix this they hire a bunch of Vietnamese dudes without telling them about the inherent dangers of truck driving. They get some basic training in driving jeeps and knife fighting (glorious montage) and set out into the jungle. Of course shit hits the fan almost immediately, some dudes are killed by the Vietcong, before the truck drivers find themselves prisoners. Their captors are rather bad people and torture them to the point where people begin to literally jump out of their own skin. The flick Jungle Heat jumps a lot around though, and we have a love story, shady chaps playing the "ratgame" (what a game!), before a dude named Richard absolutely positively has to be rescued (it has barely been established that Richard is even a character up until this point). Of course, this movie ends with what these movies usually ends with - a bizarre logging accident. Fucking a!