As I've been rather busy the last
couple of months, I haven't found the motivation or time to watch
much much at all. Stuck offline in the mountains for a couple of
days, I eventually ended up watching some stuff found on my laptop
hard drive. It should come as no surprise that the hard drive was
filled with nothing but sexual curse-flicks I had long forgotten
about. Picking one at random, I ended up firing up The Beauty's Evil
Roses - a movie about... stuff I guess. While I have called other
flicks incoherent before, I am not joking when I say that this movie
most likely hold the dubious honour of being the least coherent film
I've ever watched. I am also not joking when I say that there is not
a single second of plot WHATSOEVER during the first 30 minutes of the
film. It opens with some sort of weird sex scene where some dude is
turned into a zombie (possibly?). It comes complete with a sleazy
soundtrack that skips and jumps in all the wrong spots, indicating
that the scene has been quite extensively cut. I assume some bush and
possibly even some penetration had been cut out. Following this
scene, we are presented with a photoshoot where some chick wiggles
her tits at us for some time, before we move on two yet two more sex and
showerscenes! Of course, these also featured the bizarrely jumpy
music.
Stuff beginning to resemble plot eventually starts appearing after half an hour or so, when our protagonist enters a boxing ring and triggers a bunch of bad rape flashbacks in his sparring partner. Apparently protagonist-cop dude's wife goes missing or something and a gang of brainwashed, lesbian, biker witches are behind it. To be honest I had no idea what was going on or what the movie was about after 40 minutes, but as the biker witches started ranting about evil gods and tentacle beasts and shit I kept watching. After some more weird rape flashbacks and sex scenes the movie FINALLY turns into a rather straight-forward affair about hex duels and buddy-cops. The rape scenes could indicate that this was a sequel to some other smutty piece of trash, but realizing that it was not going to make more sense, I did not pursue this train of thought any further. A chap called “great priest” shows up, does some fancy magics with the help of some chick's underwear and dies. In the end it is made clear that the only way to beat the “evilest mage in Thailand” is to storm her shitty shed apartment, with akimbo UZIs and murder everyone. The Beauty's Evil Roses is a total mess of a film, but I guess its worth watching due to stuff. Also, features trippy space duels, knife-to-vaginas, revolver blowjobs and bizarre tentacle-stuff and did I mention the hundred sex scenes?
Stuff beginning to resemble plot eventually starts appearing after half an hour or so, when our protagonist enters a boxing ring and triggers a bunch of bad rape flashbacks in his sparring partner. Apparently protagonist-cop dude's wife goes missing or something and a gang of brainwashed, lesbian, biker witches are behind it. To be honest I had no idea what was going on or what the movie was about after 40 minutes, but as the biker witches started ranting about evil gods and tentacle beasts and shit I kept watching. After some more weird rape flashbacks and sex scenes the movie FINALLY turns into a rather straight-forward affair about hex duels and buddy-cops. The rape scenes could indicate that this was a sequel to some other smutty piece of trash, but realizing that it was not going to make more sense, I did not pursue this train of thought any further. A chap called “great priest” shows up, does some fancy magics with the help of some chick's underwear and dies. In the end it is made clear that the only way to beat the “evilest mage in Thailand” is to storm her shitty shed apartment, with akimbo UZIs and murder everyone. The Beauty's Evil Roses is a total mess of a film, but I guess its worth watching due to stuff. Also, features trippy space duels, knife-to-vaginas, revolver blowjobs and bizarre tentacle-stuff and did I mention the hundred sex scenes?
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